Week 30: I Don’t Have A Dad, But I Do Have A Father

Lately, many things have been revealed. I’ve been praying that I am able to give all my heart to God and that he fills up my heart with His love and uses me to His liking. My body is God’s, I am simply a physical manifestation needed so God can use me to carry out His work during this time on Earth. Once I really began to listen, the realization was this: first, my heart needs to be broken. Once broken I can then give it all to God who will mold and shape my broken heart into a new one. It took a few good heartaches to make thisheartbreak: loss, loss, and more loss. Guess I was more hard hearted than I realized. Nevertheless, with each new loss I give more Thanks to Him for my broken heart; sadness and grief is just what the Dr. ordered. As long as I can stay close to God and continually strengthen my relationship with Him and “chill” under His wing, my heart can break for Him as many times necessary.

With so many distractions, it’s easy to spend time in a whirlind of media, technology, and the infamous flashing lights. God has been blessing me with the slow tears of discipline, time, and realization. Although seemingly always busy, making time to spend with God does wonders for not just our spiritual needs, but ourselves on a holistic level–physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Last Sabbath was the semi-annual communion at Seomyeon SDA church. When my good friend, island woman, and missionary teacher Tina, asked during the foot washing ceremony what she could pray about, I knew she needed to know. Her eyes watered as I explained the recent losses of the Fuka family and how Amelia was like a mom to many and a woman close and dear to my heart. After her sweet prayer and during communion, I was finally able to properly grieve the earthly death of Amelia Fuka. On top, the communion held new meaning for me as I ate the bread, the body of Christ. Guilt and pain encapsulated me with each ‘crunch’ of the bread. That was me, tearing into Christs body and especially broken heart, during his Crucifixion. My renewal to Christ to consciously make better choices and thus, walk His walk are very real and needed, though not always simple. Nevertheless, I hated to think I was the cause of so much of His pain on the cross due to my error in judgement and character.

The other day , I listened for the first time during prayer. A life long struggle regarding the lack of father, Tran Van Thieu, was addressed. While listening humbly, I heard, “…I am your Father now.” How wonderful and beautiful is that. God is my Father. He has revealed Himself to me, and I am not alone.